Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Trout Tribune -- Wednesday, August 9th, 2006 Final Edition

The River Bend Diner was scheduled to open this morning to the great expectation of the residents of Trout, Michigan. However, the unfortunate discovery of the body of Charlie Houston at table #5 in the wee hours delayed the diner’s first omelet until our outstanding River County Sheriffs finish sweeping the crime scene. Two uneaten hamburgers were found at the scene as well, so a very hungry killer is still on the loose! Be cautious of anyone approaching you for a meal handout!

Despite the fifty-percent casualty rate thus far, the residents and summer-people of Trout eagerly await the second attempt at a Grand Opening tomorrow morning.

Fred Starling, proprietor of the River Bend Diner, withheld comment on the incident. The Reverend Jerry Higgins, part-time preacher and full-time short order cook at the diner, lamented the loss of a much beloved parishioner and donor of the building and property on which the Living Waters Community Church rests. Charlie Houston was also the owner of the River Bend Diner, leasing the property to Mr. Starling.

Our own Susie Dawn, head waitress at the River Bend, was not short on words.

“It’s just awful,” says Ms. Dawn, “I bought a whole new outfit for today. See?” Ms. Dawn turned to show off a lovely denim skirt, at which point your reporter forgot everything else she said. You long-time residents of Trout will remember Susie Dawn as our 1985 Rainbow Queen from the annual Mayfly Festival in June.

In other news, Pop Gordon, President of the Old Doe Hunters Association, announces a new meeting location—the aforementioned River Bend Diner. All four members are instructed to report there Thursday, promptly at 10am. Dress is North Woods formal (flannel shirts and unfaded jeans).

And that’s all the news I feel like printing.

Buck Rubb – Editor in Chief

4 comments:

:-)Ronie said...

Kewl idea, Ron!

Will you be selling those fly-earrings on here too?? :-D

Heather said...

Love it! So when does the book come out?

Dineen A. Miller said...

LOL! Cool! Great idea. Poor Susie. Hope she got to show off her skirt. What did Fred think of it? LOL!

Robin Cynclair said...

Dear Editor....it is with great concern that I write to you today in regards to the article in your paper on August 9th. A murder? In such a quaint fishing town? Can you give us an update on the investigation? Before I plan a week-long trip to your area, I'd like to know that the murderer has been caught.

Signed,
A concerned vacationer