The Trout Tribune -- Wednesday, August 9th, 2006 Final Edition

The River Bend Diner was scheduled to open this morning to the great expectation of the residents of Trout, Michigan. However, the unfortunate discovery of the body of Charlie Houston at table #5 in the wee hours delayed the diner’s first omelet until our outstanding River County Sheriffs finish sweeping the crime scene. Two uneaten hamburgers were found at the scene as well, so a very hungry killer is still on the loose! Be cautious of anyone approaching you for a meal handout!

Despite the fifty-percent casualty rate thus far, the residents and summer-people of Trout eagerly await the second attempt at a Grand Opening tomorrow morning.

Fred Starling, proprietor of the River Bend Diner, withheld comment on the incident. The Reverend Jerry Higgins, part-time preacher and full-time short order cook at the diner, lamented the loss of a much beloved parishioner and donor of the building and property on which the Living Waters Community Church rests. Charlie Houston was also the owner of the River Bend Diner, leasing the property to Mr. Starling.

Our own Susie Dawn, head waitress at the River Bend, was not short on words.

“It’s just awful,” says Ms. Dawn, “I bought a whole new outfit for today. See?” Ms. Dawn turned to show off a lovely denim skirt, at which point your reporter forgot everything else she said. You long-time residents of Trout will remember Susie Dawn as our 1985 Rainbow Queen from the annual Mayfly Festival in June.

In other news, Pop Gordon, President of the Old Doe Hunters Association, announces a new meeting location—the aforementioned River Bend Diner. All four members are instructed to report there Thursday, promptly at 10am. Dress is North Woods formal (flannel shirts and unfaded jeans).

And that’s all the news I feel like printing.

Buck Rubb – Editor in Chief