Friday Top 10

Today's Top 10 is a joint effort between myself and Rob Walker, world famous novelist and winner of the 1977 Chicago Disco Fever and Jalapeno Eating contest. So, we give you...

Top 10 Ways to Guarantee a Best Seller...

10. Write a novel about leaves in the wind that whisper poetry into the ears of all your characters and each must act on his or her poem. High literature.

9. Write a novel from the point of view of a Bonsai Tree. No one's ever done it. It might lack for action but it will be chock full of inner monologue.

8. Write a novel about a man killed in the prime of his life only to come back as a ghost to stalk his wife who'd been estranged from him even before he was a ghost. Call it the Stalking Spirit.

7. Write a memoir of having had your gall bladder removed and fill it with poignant moments, tearful asides, and dedicate it to the American family values crowd.

6. Ghost write a book for Pamela Anderson.

Ghost detectives being all the rage...

5. Bring back Allastair Ransom as a ghost detective in the 21st Century. (He's Rob's character from City for Ransom. Try to keep up.)

4. Just use the title “Maximum Bodycount” and you’re in.

3. Make up a horrible past for yourself, write your “biography,” get on Oprah, get busted for lying, sell even more books because of the scandal, and retire rich.

2. Write a novel about a ghost detective who appears on Oprah, only she busts him for lying. He wasn’t a detective at all, but some low-rent mystery writer who’s now just a low-rent ghost. But he’ll make millions in the scandal when all his books go back into print. Unfortunately, his estranged wife gets all of it because he’s dead and she runs off to Rio with her pool boy, Raul.

And, to put this thing to rest, the number one way to guarantee a bestseller...

1. Lose your bid for the presidancy and write about the Earth's doom. Don't worry that your degree is in law. Oprah will never catch on. But after you're killed when a glacier runs over your SUV, you can come back as a ghost presidential candidate, marry Pamela Anderson (since she's not real either), and tell everyone "I told you so."

I hope that wasn't as painful for you as it was for me. This is what happens when you allow ghost bloggers on your site.