Monday, May 03, 2010

My Congressman and yours-Nancy

The current regime in Washington has done us all a great favor. Remember the embarrassment you faced when someone asked you who your congressman was or who your senators were and you struggled to come up with a name? Well, guess what, those days are over.

Your congressman, and mine, is Nancy Pelosi.

Your senator, and mine, is Harry Reid (we don’t even need to remember two!).

This is so much easier than those backward days of long ago, when congressmen and senators in the same party would vote differently on each bill. They’d actually read the bills, formulate their own opinions, and vote accordingly. My gosh…how did they ever get anything accomplished with all those people thinking for themselves?

When John Conyers (aka. Nancy) announced to the world that he couldn’t be expected to read the health care bill—it was just too darned long with all those big hard words—you could almost hear a sigh of relief from Capitol Hill. Finally, the pressure was off. When John-Nancy, a man who’s been in Congress FORTY FIVE YEARS, two years longer than I’ve been alive, made the decision to throw in the towel on all this silly individualism, he unwittingly released every single Democrat in Congress from hours and hours of boring research and reading. It was like a med school student who’s been told that all homework for the duration of his time has been cancelled! And, since med school students, along with doctors, are dropping like campaign promises, that may be the next trick to reversing another unintended consequence.

Of course, John needed the name change. As Nancy, maybe no one will connect him with his wife, Monica Conyers, sentenced to jail time after accepting bribes while on the Detroit City Council. It makes one proud to be a Michigander you betcha!

At least some Democrats in the House voted in opposition to their Dear Leader. Oddly, though, Nancy always gets the votes she needs. I’m sure those few renegades aren’t just tokens to appease the curious masses. That would involve political gamesmanship, and something as important as government takeover of health care would certainly be above politics.

I wanna believe it, don’t you? But then we look toward the Senate. Now, I’m sure I’m the only one here who’s had nightmares in which 59 Harry Reid clones invade my small town and stalk about in search of human brains to devour. They’ve certainly devoured our desire to return to the voting booth. I mean, what’s the point? Fifty-nine men and women, all Democrats, and not one of them had an issue with the most expensive and complex bill in this nation’s history? I suppose that’s possible…I mean, if you ask fifty-nine high school boys if they’d rather go to a lecture on quantum physics or be special guests at the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot, you’d probably get a unanimous vote.

I should just be more open-minded, I suppose. This is, after all, the twenty-first century. Look at all the problems caused by individuality. Wars, pestilence, disease, the Lifetime channel. Imagine what we could accomplish if we all shared the same ideas, the same thoughts. No dissent. No time wasted on monotonous debate.

In fact, why should we even have to remember Nancy and Harry? Since they’re only following the orders of One, we can just skip the middle man and cut right to the chase. This whole democracy thing is way overrated anyway. Finally, we’ve got our hero to take up his place in the hall of great world leaders, so well loved that they only need one name—Mao, Stalin, Hitler, Che, Castro.

It just shows what can be accomplished if we shed our liberty and individuality and follow the wisest among us. Let’s all write to our congressmen and senators today and let them know they can take the next century off. Obviously, their services are no longer required.  

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