The Fix is In

Senator Harry Reid said yesterday that the Republicans want to block everything they do. I certainly hope so. Maybe, Senator, if everything the Democrats tried to do wasn’t a disaster to the economy, security, and overall well-being of this nation, the Republicans might be easier to get along with.

The Senator was speaking, of course, about the bill now on the floor of the Senate that would essentially give the U.S. Government sweeping control over financial institutions. This, of course, is not a step toward socialism. It’s a giant leap.

But here’s how the Dems work. The economic downturn of 2008 was primarily brought about because of a bill first signed by Jimmy Carter and given teeth by Bill Clinton. This is fairly common knowledge now, but the Dems have done a good job of denial. In a nutshell, Fannie May and Freddie Mac, two entities that have no purpose but to suck money from the economy, were “strongly encouraged” to make more home loans available to low-income individuals. Because bankers are not in the business to lose money—the greedy bastards—this went against common business sense. But we’re not talking about common sense, we’re talking about the U.S. Government.

So, as was predicted by a couple thousand economists, George Bush, and Mrs. Tracy’s Oak Hill Elementary third grade class, the housing market boomed, then busted. The point here is this: the government was the cause of the economic meltdown. Please repeat that as many times as necessary. Lay down if you need to. It hurts…I know.

And now we have this bill. President Obama, Harry, and Nancy all proclaim that it will “protect the taxpayers from any future bank failures.” Oh how sweet. Let’s see. The government caused the economic downturn, the government took over a trillion dollars of our money and threw it at the banks, and now they’re proposing a bill to protect us against…what? Them?

Don’t be silly, Ron. You know better. What the Bailout Bill does is authorize the federal government to decide which banks live and which die. What lovely power. In fact, here’s a thought, and I’m sure no Dem ever considered this. Since there is one party rule in our government right now, I bet that these banks will make darn sure they stay on the Dems good side. The campaign coffers will be flowing with bank money this fall. I mean, if it’s one lesson us peons learned from the health care bill, it’s that if you don’t have enough allies, you simply buy them (we call it a Blanching).

Now why do you suppose the Republicans would do everything possible to block a bill that would almost guarantee Democrat rule for the next fifty years? How rude of them. Oh, let’s not forget the fact that the government simply has no place in business. If I were a bank that was too big to fail, I might consider making myself small to avoid government attention. I’d be the Bank of Casablanca. Keep a low profile. No gambling going on here. No risk. No loans. Which is probably okay, since the government has sopped up all the available cash anyway, making it darn near impossible for small businesses and private citizens to get credit.

Let’s see. Obama, Harry, and Nancy now have control over health care. They have control over two of our three auto companies. They want control over the banks. And they’ve already tied up a huge chunk of available cash.

But it’s not socialism. Nossir. It’s protecting the taxpayer. Kind of like being in a great big bear hug. From a great big bear. A great big hungry bear.

The Republicans need to block harder. Don’t be the party of No. Be the party of OH HELL NO. Get the job done boys. The Cavalry’s coming in November.

My Congressman and yours-Nancy

The current regime in Washington has done us all a great favor. Remember the embarrassment you faced when someone asked you who your congressman was or who your senators were and you struggled to come up with a name? Well, guess what, those days are over.

Your congressman, and mine, is Nancy Pelosi.

Your senator, and mine, is Harry Reid (we don’t even need to remember two!).

This is so much easier than those backward days of long ago, when congressmen and senators in the same party would vote differently on each bill. They’d actually read the bills, formulate their own opinions, and vote accordingly. My gosh…how did they ever get anything accomplished with all those people thinking for themselves?

When John Conyers (aka. Nancy) announced to the world that he couldn’t be expected to read the health care bill—it was just too darned long with all those big hard words—you could almost hear a sigh of relief from Capitol Hill. Finally, the pressure was off. When John-Nancy, a man who’s been in Congress FORTY FIVE YEARS, two years longer than I’ve been alive, made the decision to throw in the towel on all this silly individualism, he unwittingly released every single Democrat in Congress from hours and hours of boring research and reading. It was like a med school student who’s been told that all homework for the duration of his time has been cancelled! And, since med school students, along with doctors, are dropping like campaign promises, that may be the next trick to reversing another unintended consequence.

Of course, John needed the name change. As Nancy, maybe no one will connect him with his wife, Monica Conyers, sentenced to jail time after accepting bribes while on the Detroit City Council. It makes one proud to be a Michigander you betcha!

At least some Democrats in the House voted in opposition to their Dear Leader. Oddly, though, Nancy always gets the votes she needs. I’m sure those few renegades aren’t just tokens to appease the curious masses. That would involve political gamesmanship, and something as important as government takeover of health care would certainly be above politics.

I wanna believe it, don’t you? But then we look toward the Senate. Now, I’m sure I’m the only one here who’s had nightmares in which 59 Harry Reid clones invade my small town and stalk about in search of human brains to devour. They’ve certainly devoured our desire to return to the voting booth. I mean, what’s the point? Fifty-nine men and women, all Democrats, and not one of them had an issue with the most expensive and complex bill in this nation’s history? I suppose that’s possible…I mean, if you ask fifty-nine high school boys if they’d rather go to a lecture on quantum physics or be special guests at the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot, you’d probably get a unanimous vote.

I should just be more open-minded, I suppose. This is, after all, the twenty-first century. Look at all the problems caused by individuality. Wars, pestilence, disease, the Lifetime channel. Imagine what we could accomplish if we all shared the same ideas, the same thoughts. No dissent. No time wasted on monotonous debate.

In fact, why should we even have to remember Nancy and Harry? Since they’re only following the orders of One, we can just skip the middle man and cut right to the chase. This whole democracy thing is way overrated anyway. Finally, we’ve got our hero to take up his place in the hall of great world leaders, so well loved that they only need one name—Mao, Stalin, Hitler, Che, Castro.

It just shows what can be accomplished if we shed our liberty and individuality and follow the wisest among us. Let’s all write to our congressmen and senators today and let them know they can take the next century off. Obviously, their services are no longer required.