The Hurricane Wall

I like to equate the liberal philosophy, actually based on Keynesian economic theory, to that of Hollywood style mad scientists who set out to dominate the world by controlling the weather. "Pay me my 10 trillion dollars or I'll make it snow all over the World Series! bwaha bwahaha BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Actually, a World Series in the snow sounds kind of fun, but I digress.

Here is the unfortunate fact for liberals: the economy is a natural force, much like the weather. People make things, they sell things, they buy things. They go through this endless cycle because they want things like food, shelter, maybe a nice Chevy. Liberals refer to this human survival instinct as "greed."

Now (pay attention), when one of these folks finds himself in trouble because no one wants to buy his pet rocks anymore, popular for so many weeks, he is faced with a decision. He can pray for a resurgence in the pet rock market or switch over to Chia Pets. Unless, of course, we have liberals in office, in which he'll receive a bail out, funding for additional pet rock research, or never-ending unemployment benefits.

I mentioned that the economy is a natural force like the weather, so let's stick with that analogy. I shall force my brain to stay on track for at least five seconds. To believe that you can control the economy is to believe that you can build a wall in the Atlantic Ocean to stop the onslaught of hurricanes. It certainly sounds like a good idea. I mean, think of the billions saved in damages, not to mention the lives of thousands. You know the liberal mantra: if it saves one life, it's worth it.

In Liberalville, we'd build our Atlantic Wall (we'll call it the "Hurricane Relocation and Urban Revitalization Program") at a cost of, let's say, $100 billion dollars. We'll use recycled material to reduce the cost and environmental impact. Now, the summer after our wall is built, only six hurricanes wallop Miami.

"Hurray!" shout the liberals. "If not for our wall, a dozen hurricanes would have made it through. Success!"

And, being the patriotic Americans we are, we believe them because, after all, they wear ties and use sentences that require sixty-three commas and majored in poly-sci in between anti-war/oil/business/church/Bush/styrofoam cup protests. After the math, in which a third level congressional intern figures that six hurricanes, at a cost of a gazzilion dollars per 'cane, we are blessed with a savings of infinity dollars. Squared.

This scenario is exactly what liberals attempt whenever they utter phrases like "stimulus" or "revitalize." They like to pump trillions of your dollars into their project. The economy gets no better, but they'll shout that it would have been much worse had they not intervened (see Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1932-1945). In the meantime, they show an incredible talent for ignoring politicians who did nothing in the face of a similar crisis and were awarded with much better results (see Warren Harding, 1921-1923).

Despite failure after failure of liberal policies, America just keeps trying. It's as if the idea of controlling the economy is so good (and wouldn't it be wonderful?), that the very act of implementing a liberal agenda makes one a hero in the eyes of history. He cared, dammit! He was an epic failure, but he cared!

Here's the plan kids: the hurricanes will come, it will snow in January (and possibly on the Series), and we'll have drought in summer. We can spend a lot of money on a wall in the ocean, or we can take the bad with the good and take responsibility for our own decisions. Conservatives, take heart, we have a President in the White House who has inspired us like no other. The sleeping giant is alive, thank you very much, awake, and setting November in its sights.

Let's tear down a wall.